How This Disease Affects Not Just Us but Also Others

Upon being diagnosed with Graves' Disease and severe T.E.D.s (Thyroid Eye Disease, which includes the eye bulging and constant double vision) back in 2009 about this time actually, I started trying to learn as much as I could about it. I read about all the signs, symptoms, potential causes, possible treatments, etc. and how it typically affects us, the ones who actually have to suffer through this (horrible) disease. I also read about how not only will Graves' impact us with the disease but how it may also affect our family, friends, and significant others. You know, while trying to understand that, which was also hard at the time because of everything I was and have been going through since being diagnosed, for awhile there I don't think I was able to fully comprehend that and especially with the eye/vision issues just how much more that would put on Jeff. It's actually really sad when you think about it and lays a huge burden & a bit of guilt on my heart. It's one of the few things that can actually make me sad. I mean, I know how much he loves and cares for me, it's pretty obvious. Aside from the fact we've been together for nearly 16 years now, he shows it to me in so many ways and even more so since being diagnosed. However, just seeing how much this disease, MY DISEASE, puts on HIM, hurts. With my symptoms, vision, all these surgeries, etc. I am currently and have been unable (advised by doctors) to work or drive. Once, I was even trying to babysit for friends of our family, and the only reason my doctor at the time allowed it was because it was only for a few days and my grandmother lived just next door. Now thankfully, after having to hire a lawyer and my doctors submitting over 500 pages of documents proving exactly what was wrong and as to why I couldn't work and/or drive, I do receive disability although it doesn't add up to much after helping with the utilities, food and our dogs cost, not to mention these surgeries are starting to add up. It is nice though to be able to help somewhat. For instance, Jeff's truck was parked in front of our house and someone who didn't have insurance and also drove off, totaled it, so fortunately I was able to help him purchase our used van which is awesome and we both love it. So that's good at least. :)
It just breaks my heart, however, seeing how now he has to be to the driving everywhere and how much harder it seems that things are put on him. Here's an example of a day in the life of Jeff: Anywhere from 5-6am he gets up (depending on what and where his work schedules him for each day). For that next hour until he has to leave, he will take a shower if he didn't go the night before, then lets out whichever dogs are up, takes care of himself, eats breakfast because sometimes he doesn't have the time to eat lunch when he gets busy, then comes to check on me to see if I need anything and to remind me to take my medicines (I'll be honest, sometimes I forget), and then usually has to race off to work which isn't too far thank God. Then after nearly a full, sometimes stressful and demanding work day due to the heavy lifting, getting on his hands and knees, occasionally having to deal with difficult people, I'm telling you he works his butt off. His work is really great about recognizing and appreciating all his hard work. Well, then around 4pm-ish he gets off, and gets to come home, and that's only if he doesn't need to stop at the grocery store, run other errands, etc. Usually when he gets home he might sit down for a few minutes, then gets up to feed and take the dogs outside, if it's a nice day. If not, I feed them inside, then he takes them out. I just can't them all out at the same time like he does. . Then comes in, takes a shower, lets the dogs back in, and then if lucky can relax for the remainder of the evening until he has to repeat it all the next day (unless it's a weekend). Oh and that's also if he doesn't any paperwork or anything else to do. Also, on days that I am either not hungry or don't feel well/can't see enough to, he will make something to eat and even offers me something, saying that he'll make/get whatever I want, even if just something small.
Needless to say, he does so much more than he should have to and it hurts me so much seeing just how much more is put on him. My only hopes are that he can and does realize that I do see everything he does and has to do, and I really do admire, love, respect and appreciate him even more for that, and also that hopefully one day I will get better and/or be able to see well enough to return the favor to him. I really do love him so much and he is my everything. I thank the good Lord for him everyday. I just never realized after being diagnosed with this disease and hearing how much it could affect others, just exactly how much it would. I've asked him if it's too much and if going our separate ways would be easier on him, especially since I know him having to drive me around everywhere and occasionally having to miss work for my surgeries, doctor appointments that I can't get rides to, etc. and he said NO, that he loves me and still wants to be with me! Although that does make me feel really special, loved and extremely cared for, when he says stuff like that and still continues to do all he does on top of caring for me, our dogs, himself, our cat, along with other stray cats in our neighborhood, and more he does, it still hurts and makes me feel guilty. I mean I am still human lol. Regardless, I love him so much and do plan on making it up to him somehow, if even can just take him on the vacation, the break, that he so badly needss and deserves. Not to mention, out of nearly 16 years together, other than a mini trip to Indianapolis, and then to Akron for his cousin's wedding, we have never been on vacation together lol! Either health, work or even just timing around surgeries, or other things got in the way. He has mentioned through the years about never getting to see a beach or the ocean so I'm hoping I can start to feel better soon & get all these surgeries done with, then maybe I can make it happen for him, for us! :) Jeff is truly one of the greatest, noblest, strongest and so much more, men I have ever met. Truly a gem!!! :)))

For Jeff:
When you found me
I felt like I was no one
now after almost 16 years together
I feel like "the one."
You've been there for me
you held me, and held my hand
even with your own problems
with mine, you still try to understand.
You made me a better person
the person I always wanted to be
you didn't do it for yourself
but did it for me.
How can I repay you
can it even be done
I don't know, I will try
all I can say is for me
you're "the one!!!"
-Jessica Gabbard, April 1st, 2014

I love you JEFF!!! Thank you for everything! :)))